But I can't swim: a "My Heart Underwater" review
Reading My Heart Underwater was quite a journey. Over the course of forty-three days, I read a final press ARC received through a mentor from a summer writing program I'm a part of, a good friend of the author's who was credited in the acknowledgements. Then I found the e-book and e-audiobook on Libby, so I checked those out for a bit. Then on my birthday, the hardcover was a gift from my parents, so I finished the novel by flipping physical pages instead of digital ones.
Over three different formats, Fantauzzo's debut novel unfolded in a way I'll never forget. Emotional, cathartic, direct, and unflinching, My Heart Underwater is an astonishing YA debut, analyzing the culpability of teacher-student relationships, the complications of all kinds of love, and how one girl discovers that she isn't disgusting for who she is. I'm scared this novel will get overlooked in a sea of (some may argue) more accessible queer BIPOC reads, ones that don't feature a teacher-student relationship and discuss it so openly (I do understand that some may be triggered by this content). But this book is so necessary, filled with complex characters, beautiful writing, and a coming-of-age narrative that's relatable, recognizable, and new all at once. If you're not turned off by the premise and want a queer FilAm narrative, please pick this one up. You won't regret it.
Corazon "Cory" Tagubio fears she's a disappointment. She's not the best student, except in AP European History, can't connect with her classmates whatsoever, feels detached from her parents, and harbors a crush for her AP Euro teacher, Ms. Holden. After spraining his ankle, Cory's father falls off a roof during a job and slips into a coma. Distraught, Cory feels like it's her fault for being a closeted gay young woman. Ms. Holden picks up on Cory's anguish and offers to tutor her. In Ms. Holden's office, Cory feels at ease in a way she never has, but then things reach a head in a dangerous way. Cory's mom sends her to the Philippines to connect her with the half-brother she's only known in passing. At first, Cory finds this trip equivalent to her mom hating her. But as she reconnects with her Filipina roots, gets to know Jun (the aforementioned half-brother), understands why her mom did what she did, and makes new connections, Cory realizes she is deserving of love in the way she wants; she only needs to find the right person and embrace her home and family.
Cory is such a fantastic protagonist. Her 2009 self-discovery journey bursts at the seams with raw emotion that emanates through the narrative. Her internalized homophobia, frustration at her circumstances, and the hope she feels with Ms. Holden are invigorating and heartbreaking. Fantauzzo's discussion on that teacher-student relationship, the nuances of Cory's genuine love and Ms. Holden's abuse of power through taking advantage of Cory's affection, is also great. The relationship is never sexualized or framed as solely evil. Rather, there's a delicate discussion on how Cory's feelings were justified as a gay woman but also how Ms. Holden's kindness had ulterior motives.
This intricacy also extends to Cory's interactions with the rest of her family. Her relationship with her mother and its back-and-forth dynamic, how she and Jun warm up to each other, Cory's love for her father, and the growth to Bea's sarcastic brand of protectiveness were great to see. I admire that Fantauzzo took her time to develop these relationships, that they weren't always perfect; just when you thought a new leaf had been turned, the wrong thing was said, and things had to be worked on once again. This work, this subtlety, is refreshing to see, especially as some novels can get caught up in melodrama or find characters falling too easily into reconnections and forgiveness. These tenuous relationships take time to form stronger ones, and I'm happy Fantauzzo took that time here.
The scenery, both in California and the Philippines, is lush and exciting, just as vivid as Cory's fluctuating emotional state. I felt like I was there with her, the mugginess of a Filipino summer and the relieving cold of the air conditioner. The prose straddles the line between sparse and flowery, and it makes the world that much more poignant. We don't dwell on anything longer than necessary; we get to be fully immersed in this world.
I'm so happy this book is now in my life. I'm going to be recommending it to a lot of people. My Heart Underwater is a necessity for FilAm fiction, gay YA, but also just in general. Its dissection of the complicated feelings a relationship with an authority figure can arouse, alongside new family ties and a girl discovering what she's capable of having and who she's capable of being. Easily the best YA novel I've read this year.
Commentaires